Wednesday, June 8, 2011

Ke$ha Is A Vampire And This Post Proves It

I am up to my armpits in my novel. Therefore, I shall turn you over to my comrade from Benedictine College: the one and only Master Ean. His take on a certain beloved pop star is to be commended. Enjoy!

“First off, I'd like to thank Sean for giving me some space to share my research with you all. It's often difficult to find a platform from which to reach a good portion of right-thinking individuals, and it's much better to have a blog with a preexisting readership than to start from scratch and hope somebody pays attention to me.

As a longtime student of supernatural beings specializing in vampirology, a particular interest of mine is the way in which some vampires masquerade as human seemingly right in front of our eyes—especially as celebrities, whose high profile and subjection to public scrutiny would seem to make them easy targets for discovery. My research efforts in this area have been long and involved (in fact, I have a forthcoming book on celebrities and vampirism—self-published, of course), but for the sake of brevity, I will restrict my interpretative analysis to one work by one celebrity. We find some of the most convincing proofs of pop artist Ke$ha's vampirism in her inherently repellent yet obnoxiously catchy song “Tik Tok.”

One of the most telling lines in the song says that Ke$ha will fight through the night until she sees the sunlight. The key point here is that the fighting will cease once sunlight becomes visible, implying that there is a clear boundary here that causes her to cease her chosen activities, ex. What exactly she is fighting is rather uncertain. It could be that she struggles against her vampiric nature and its attendant bloodlust, or she could be duking it out with drunken werewolves in a Soho bar. Or it could just be a usage contrived to rhyme with 'night' and 'sunlight.' Regardless, the boundary between nighttime and daytime is clearly important.

Of course, Ke$ha has been sighted in the daytime as well—so why hasn't she burst into flames, or at the very least developed a severe rash? The answer lies in another peculiarity, which is her penchant for glitter. This love is well-attested, but it raises the obvious question: why would anyone go so far as to cover half of their body with glitter? I maintain that the glitter is a cover for a vampiric condition that has achieved increasing prevalence since first being brought to public attention in the Twilight books: sparkling in the sunlight. As these books mention, not drinking human blood is a tradeoff for not burning to a crisp in the sun—it still keeps vampires alive, but it does result in sparkliness. They're a bit shaky in other aspects of vampirism, but they did get this aspect of it right. Ke$ha's reliance on glitter, then, serves as a cunning ruse: if anyone catches a stray sparkle, it is assumed to be glitter, nothing more. One might feel that only drinking animal blood is a bit of a wussy move, but at least Ke$ha has a good reason for it, unlike the vampires in Twilight: she is high-profile enough that someone would probably notice if groupies began to go missing. Yes, even Ke$ha groupies.

The world Ke$ha inhabits is one fraught with violence—witness the speakers being exploded and the boys blowing up telephones and later being kicked to the curb unless they look like Mick Jagger. This last line in particular reminds one of the extreme longevity of vampires: I think it goes without saying that anyone who's actually attracted to Mick Jagger is going to be old. Like, really old. But the point is that a hectic, nocturnal lifestyle full of partying, drinking, and aggression can only be successfully navigated by someone with superhuman strength, keen nighttime senses, and a propensity to avoid death—a vampire, in other words.

If I may make a small note about the alcoholic beverages, specifically the “bottle of Jack” with which Ke$ha brushes her teeth: she would have to be mentally unstable, severely confused, or rascally drunk (the three are not mutually exclusive) in order to brush her teeth with an alcoholic beverage. Given this, I charitably elect to believe that she is in fact cleaning up with a bottle of blood from somebody named Jack in order to keep her pearly whites nice and pointy. I'm sure she'll take her human blood where she can get it, and a darkened glass bottle would be rather less obvious than carrying a roadie around on an IV drip.

Of course, there's a bunch of ridiculous stuff in this song about pedicures and trying on clothes which she probably threw in there to ensure that the song, and consequently its fans, would be divorced from the sort of people who are likely to actually believe in vampires and to obscure the vampiric references just in case vampire believers truly listened to the lyrics. I must admit, it took me a while to treat her as deserving of serious investigation, which just goes to show how becoming a celebrity can be an excellent disguise for a vampire, but after analyzing her song lyrics and observing her behavior I must say I am convinced. There is one lasting enigma, though: the question of why she wakes up in the morning (morning for vampires is of course dusk for us) feeling like P. Diddy.

Having read this, you may question my analysis or its necessity. Why look for this subtext and these improbable coincidences? Why does it even matter? All I can say in response is that it takes a special caliber of person to recognize these clues and string them together. Besides, do you really expect me to believe that someone would come out and admit it if she were a vampire? Vampires are dangerous and cunning. Dangerously cunning, even. What better disguise for one than a glittery pop star with addictions to AutoTune and other illicit substances? Mark my words: vampires are out there. They exist, and they are coming.

Coming Soon: Vampire Weekend! They're so obvious.”

– Ean writes from the Pacific Northwest and goes to school in the Midwest, where he is working towards a double major in Vampirology and Youth Ministry. He can be reached at or with a very long stick.


  1. Dear God, we have all been deceived.

  2. I dunno about the satire tag, man. This guy seems pretty serious. :/

  3. Too serious. It's a very fine line...